Sufficient In Weakness

On Wednesday evening, I began to feel the all too familiar twinges of a cold coming on.... I hate that feeling!  Those times when you don't feel normal, but you know that something is about to hit you.  By Thursday afternoon I was sick and by that evening Kendall was as well.  So, on Friday I slipped into survival mode..... fluids, kleenex, washing hands and the necessities of family care were all I could muster.  Thankfully, Kendall was much better by Saturday and normal by Sunday.  I (on the other hand) have not been so fortunate as mine turned into a sinus infection.   Today, is the first day that I can say I feel pretty good.  As a result, I have not been able to sit and write and share.  I have missed it.

A couple of mornings, I being so caught up in caring for sickness that I didn't spend some time with the Father.  I know that happens- it happens to all of us, but I deeply missed it.  It is on the days when I don't retreat to my room to spend some time with the Father that I realize how deep my need for Him daily is for my spiritual health.  I am a much better mom, wife and friend when I have been charged and prepared for the day by the giver of life.  (You can ask my family!) 

It hit me this morning how illness (of many kinds) can draw us away from the Father.  Illness like depression can leave us hurting so deeply- so lost in an endless pit of despair that His light seems to distant and far.  Illness like addiction can leave us feeling so helpless and unable to fight against the longing for something that is ultimately our demise.  Illness like loneliness can make us think that we are alone and the world is against us- no one cares what happens to us.  Physical illnesses that sap our strength and energy and rob us of the ability to do the things we long to do in our heart.  There are countless more I could add.....

We all battle an illness every now and then- that is a part of this fallen world we live in.  However, my friend, we are called to overcome!  We are called to overcome these illnesses that bind us and live a life of joy and strength!  I know some illnesses we may not recover from physically, but we can be over comers spiritually.  Have you ever witnessed someone who was so sick and knew their time to pass was nearing, but they kept the faith?  That, my friend, is how we are to live- strong influential lives that touch those around us so that even our death is a strong part of our fulfilled destiny.  We cannot overcome these things alone, but with the Father we can overcome all- all struggles, all illness, all hurts, all needs, all longings, all insecurities.... all needs become all sufficient in His hands. 

Even the apostle Paul struggled for years with a weakness that he pleaded with the Father to remove....."Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each times he said, 'My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.'  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.  Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12: 8-10 NLT

Paul overcame the weakness he battled by becoming sufficient through the Father.  He wasn't miraculously healed because the greater miracle was Paul striving and thriving despite the weakness.  There are many areas of weakness or illness that I have had to deal with either in my own body or in those that I love and care for..... I, too, have seen that sometimes the greater miracle was our learning to overcome them daily through the strength of the Father.  Friend, life is hard and we are all going to face illness, struggles and needs, but we are still called to overcome!  To become sufficient in the hands of the Father in order to strive in the midst of weakness.   I read a quote today by Hannah Whitall Smith which said, "Keep your face upturned to Christ as the flowers do to the sun.  Look, and your soul shall live and grow."  That is so beautiful to me.... friend, you may be hurting, but all you have to do is look up to the Father.  In your weakness, let His light of love fill you, heal you, and give you all that is needed to live and grow... and face today.

When the Grass Grows

This morning I was getting some coffee and I happened to look outside the kitchen sink window and saw that our grass had grown quite a bit on that side of the house.  A few days ago, Reagan was a real trooper and he mowed the backyard.  This was a huge task as the grass had grown and our lawnmower has a broken wheel- yes, he mowed the entire backyard with only 3 wheels on the lawnmower.  After finishing 90% of the yard, the gas ran out and he was out of energy as well- the heat was unbearable that day.  So, he came in to cool off thinking that he would finish the last 10% later.  Life happens and days have passed, but Reagan just hasn't been able to get back to the yard.  As a result the grass had grown...

To be honest, that side of the house is not easy to remember because only one window looks out at that side and it is a high window.  Often, many days go by that I never look out at that side of the house.  When I thought of the whole situation I was hit that this was like my heart sometimes.  There are areas of sin that because they are not seen by public eyes or are well hidden that I want to just overlook them.  In the past few days I had felt a distance in my relationship with the Father.  While spending time with Him each day I would just feel a lack of intimacy.  This morning, as I looked at the shagginess of the lawn on the forgotten side of the house, I felt convicted about a decision I had made a few weeks ago.  I had not been completely honest and straight forward regarding a decision in an attempt to "fix" the situation and waves of conviction passed over me.  This was not a huge issue- rather it was a basic quick, daily decision that I often handle for our family.  I just realized that I had not handled it well...and I became so thankful for his sweet conviction.  I would rather delight in his conviction and repentance than to continue living feeling distant from Him- my precious Savior.

As no coincidence, I read this as part of my daily devotion digest.... " Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you?  Does this mean nothing to  you?  Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?"  Romans 2:4 NLT   

I also read Acts 10:43 which says, "He is the one all the prophets testified about, saying that everyone who believes in him will have their sins forgiven through his name." NLT 

Oh Glory!  His love is so sweet to me that I long for Him- I need it just as I need the oxygen that my lungs bring into my body countless times a day.... my soul needs Him like that.  I want to be so close to Him that any pulling away- by me- due to a wrong action or attitude will cause me to immediately fall at His feet.  Nothing in life can compare to the love He has for me!  Change and transformation starts in the still quietness of a heart that has been humbled through the love of the Father.

My day may be busy with many activities, but I may have to go after the shagginess on that hidden side of the house... I want it to reflect what God has done in my heart!  Thank you Father for loving me enough to point out the shagginess in my life and to draw me close to You despite it!

Worship Wednesday: Jeremy Camp

Several years ago, a friend of mine went to a Jeremy Camp concert and she shared with me the following testimony.  God just reminded me of that this morning and led me to share it with you.  (Thanks Charity!)  I hope it is an encouragement to all of us and a reminder that in any situation we can praise and worship the Father.  He can carry us through anything.

" We know how much God loves us and we have put our trust in his love.  God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.

"And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect.  So we will not be afraid on the day of judgement, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world."

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear.  If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows we have not fully experienced his perfect love.  We love each other because he first loved us."  1 John 4:16-19  NLT

Where is my crown?

Oh my goodness!  Today, Kendall has been a little tornado.  He has spilled water on the carpet and milk on the kitchen table.  He has thrown fits and toys as well as hit his brothers with an arrow he found in one of their rooms.  On top of all that- he had a terrible diaper that..... well, let's just say made a BIG mess.  I have cleaned, disciplined and tried to not pull my hair out in frustration!  Can you relate?  Maybe you reflect and remember those days for yourself? 

Last night, Beth Moore in the Esther study talked about when you hit the realization that your princess life hasn't turned out like you expected.  Boy, could I identify with that this morning!  As a child I dreamed of being a princess-wearing a beautiful gown with a diamond tiara on my head.  This morning- uh, afternoon- I am still in my pajamas and I haven't even fixed my hair today..... when did I lose my princess status?  When did the beautiful gown turn into jeans and stained t-shirt and when did my crown turn into a ponytail and baseball cap?  Especially in my house of all males, there are times when I just want to scream, "I am a princess!!!  I AM a princess!!  My shoes and purses are suppose to match my outfit and my nails are suppose to be manicure perfect.  I just don't know what happened!"

The truth is I do know what happened.... I became a mother to three "princes" and that means I no longer focus on myself and having my entire outfit match picture perfect.  Instead, our day is a success when we arrive on time anywhere and everyone is clean and dressed appropriately.  Romantic candlelight meals  have been replaced with fast food restaurants where kids eat free.  Now, I am still a princess at heart and I do my best to balance out the testosterone in this house with a lot of pink (and estrogen).  I have come to see that my life is still a dream- I still have a wonderful husband and three great boys who truly love and dote on me.... I just have to realize that real life isn't gowns and tiaras.... real life is bear hugs, butterfly kisses and mud pies.  It's hearing the same joke 20 times and still laughing at it.  Life is savoring the toddler fingerprints on the glass pane because they disappear all too fast.  It is realizing that there is more important things I could be doing instead of planning my perfectly coordinated outfit like playing hide and go seek.  I love my life with all its messiness and craziness..... besides it's hard to hide in a tiara!

What is my portion?

To be honest- almost painfully so- I have sat here for several minutes waiting for the words to come.  Often, as I sit ready to share with you the words just seem to pour forth from a heart over brimming with all that God has taught and shared with me that day.  Today, I confess, that has not been the case.  I sit in the deafening silence of my room struggling within to express what it seems only the heart truly can understand.  This morning I have just needed to hear that my God is still God- that His words and promises are true and that His faithfulness is everlasting.  Have you ever been there?

There is nothing life shattering taking place in my world- I have a wonderful, loving husband and three good kids- not perfect, but good.  Our needs are met, and we have a little extra each month to enjoy freely, but I just need the reassurance that in the midst of living that God is my life and my portion.  I read a few days ago a devotion by Max Lucado where he talked with a man who had nothing- absolute nothing- but God in his life.  God was all he had and all he really needed.   The unnamed man said, "I have my faith.  It's all I have.  But it's all I need.  I have kept the faith." (When God Whispers Your Name)  In another reading the scripture from Lamentations 3: 22-24 drew my attention.... "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him".

These words have blessed and challenged me all at the same time..... what is my portion?  Have I kept the faith beyond all the things this world would offer and tempt me with?  Reagan and I felt God's leading several years ago for me to stay at home and homeschool our children.  While this is not a calling for everyone, it was the calling He put on our heart for our children.  Sometimes I struggle as I look at all the experiences and extras that other families lavish on their children and I become clouded in doubt and tempted to question the sacrifices we have made.  Have we given them enough?  We could have a larger house and travel more.... and my mind drifts to all the things I seem to "lack" in our current state.

Then God pursues me with this question, "Am I your portion?  Will you keep the faith?"  At the end of my life, when all the temporary has passed away- what will be left?  What jewels will be left after the the ashes have cleared?  I want it to be said that I kept the faith and that God was my portion.  I desire for God to grow and swell in me a desire for Him- that my heart couldn't help but long for the things of Him.  He in me is what will last beyond my days- if I can only pass on one thing to my children, let it be my faith!  Let it be my passionate love for the Savior.  Let my eyes and heart see and distinguish what is temporary from what will last beyond time. God, stir this longing and desire in me!  Let God be my portion and my cup- let that be my fulfillment in a world that would have me thirst for more of the temporary.

Psalm 16 speaks so directly to this and I encourage you to read the Psalm in its entirety, but let me share a few verses from it:
" The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."  Psalm 16:5-6  ESV

" You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11  ESV

I do have a beautiful inheritance that will last beyond time and will not pass away.  Let me realize that in my portion, there is life and joy!  God, thank you for the reminder to focus on You and not all the things I am tempted to long for- they are but inadequate attempts by the evil one to lure me away from my true inheritance which is only found in You.

I hope you enjoy this song by Fee- it blessed me so much this morning!

Fifteen Years

Today, my mind scans over countless memories that span a mere 15 years since Reagan and I faced each other in front of many friends and family members and committed to spend the rest of our lives as one.  So young were we- a mere 22 and 23- yet, so determined to make this thing work.  So, together we started on the greatest adventure of our lives- marriage!

I know it is only by God's grace do two people who are so different in many ways become one and feel so happy and fulfilled.  A big part of that, as well, is marrying someone who is truly a friend- your best friend and building a love that lasts on the Father of us both.  God in His infinite wisdom knew that it was not good for man to be alone and desired for us to have a partner to help us walk through this life.  I am so glad that He chose you for me and that we truly look forward to seeing each other every day.

Here are some things I have learned in 15 years:

I can make a peach cobbler.

Sometimes saying I'm sorry is better than winning the argument.

I have learned to trust you as the head of our house.

God does always provide!

We are stronger together and can face more than we would have thought.

You like to eat your food separately and I may always marvel at that.

You see things in black and white and I see many more shades, but we need both perspectives.

I do know how to mow the lawn after all!

You DO NOT like to be tickled...anywhere....anytime.

I will always tickle you.

Laughter brings much joy in our house and we laugh often.

You relax about life when I throw flour at you.

I am stronger and most loved when in your arms.

I still do not like morning breath.

You forgive quickly.

My love for you does grow stronger each year.

Thank you, Reagan, for all that you have done and given for me over the past years.  I truly look forward to all that God has for us as our life together continues.  You are my best friend and I love you.

A Little "Queen Esther" in Us All

Over the past few weeks, the ladies of our small group have been doing the Bible study of Esther written by Beth Moore.  God has such a wonderful sense of humor as He made it very clear that we were to do the study by placing Esther in my lap several days in a row through my quiet times and other sources.  Sometimes we make searching for God's will too hard - when we are desparately seeking after Him, He will make our steps clear.  In this case, it had almost become humorous! 

So, this morning I was reviewing our lessons for the week and uncharacteristicly had the television on.  A show was on where women go to a particular store shopping for a wedding dress.  One of the featured ladies referred to herself as "Queen Esther" and she was shopping for her wedding dress.  I just had to laugh because we were studying Esther chapter 2 where Esther was chosen to be queen.... I had to imagine what the original Queen Esther thought when preparing for her wedding!  I think most of us, as women, have our own inner "Queen Esther" that longs for the romance of being chosen by a king.  To feel chosen, special, beautiful, honored... especially when we feel submerged in commonness.  Everyday normality leaves us thirsting after a little chosen royality in our life.  I am so thankful that God has chosen me and that I am so special to Him that He crucified His son for me.  He sees me as beautiful and honored as His precious sacrifice-bought child.  He fulfills that longing in our lives when "normal" just isn't enough.

God has blessed and challenged me as I have reflected on Esther.  She did not have the perfect background- she was an orphan and a Jew.  This means she had suffered great loss and heartache.  I think surviving that made her strong- stronger than most.  Have you ever been through such severe loss that you realized very little could hurt you more?  In a sense, it makes you stronger.  She was also a Jew living in a pagan world- Persia was not her homeland- I have to wonder if she thought, "What am I doing here?".  I can relate.  Sometimes, when I struggle in this world as a believer of Christ I wonder the same thing.  She chose to keep these two facts a secret- I have a feeling that most of us have a issues in our past that we would rather forget.  Esther, however, eventually was placed in a situation where these two facts were brought into the open because more was at stake than her reputation.  I love this Beth Moore quote, "You can never amputate your past from your future."  No matter what our past holds, it affects who we are in our future- often our future develops as a result of our past- sometimes those hard moments we would rather not experience become the defining moments in our life.

Esther was beautiful on the outside, but even more beautiful on the inside.  She won many people over by her love and character that lasted far and beyond her beauty.  She was strong and confident and willing to seek after the advice and wisdom of respected others.  That is a distinct quality in our world- the willingness to be cooperative, seek after wisdom and be teachable.  She was a lady whose words and actions reflected love and respect for those around her.  I think she would have been one of those friends that you always loved visiting with and admiring her- but for so much more than the designer jeans she was wearing.  She would be a friend that you never questioned her heart or thoughts towards you- she was genuine.

As I reflected on just the first two chapters of Esther, I have come to realize that she is someone who can teach me a lot about the kind of woman I want to be and the influence I hope to have.  I am looking forward to continuing this study, and continuing to bring out the inner "Queen Esther" in me!