Behind the locked door to our bedroom, the tears fell heavy and fast. Exhausted from my own feeble efforts and retreating back from the defeat that seemed to mark my week, I whispered, "Father, I cannot do this anymore. It isn't working. I feel like such a failure."
Can you relate? Truth is, parenting is one of the hardest challenges I have ever been given. I love my boys, and they are truly treasures that we have been entrusted with to grow and nurture. Yet, they have their own mind and will that often does not reflect mine or that of the Father. It has always been the desire of Reagan and I to correct, love, and discipline them as consistently as possible. The thinking being that consistency in love, correction and discipline would give us happy, loving, Christ-following children. So, the recipe for our "good" kids has been follow through, follow through, follow through- day after day, day after day...... Yet, our children have pushed and tested us continually to see if we would be consistent in any and all parenting situations.
So, at the end of my own strength, I found myself locked away- hiding from my "treasures"- exhausted and desperate for answers. Hadn't I followed the "recipe"? Who were these children and why were they testing me in every, possible, way?
Through my brokenness, the Father spoke to my heart.... "You have been doing this all in your own strength and you need Me. You cannot do this- parenting, homeschooling, housework, job, wife, friend- without ME."
In His perfect timing, we are doing a great study by Bill Lovelace entitled, "Living Life Through a New Source." The premise of this study is that we, as humans, are not designed to live the Christian life through our own efforts. Instead, in total dependence on Christ, we allow Him to live through us. It is the realization that our fruitfulness, as a believer, is based on our total dependence on Him rather than our efforts or abilities. We often ask God to "help us" in situations rather than asking Him - in desperate dependence- to work through us in that situation. This was not a new revelation to me- at least in my mind- yet, I realized just how much lately I was not living it out. I had slipped into my old patterns of living life within the limits of my own strength and abilities. How did that work for me? Well, hiding from my children and desperate tears is NOT a good indication of success!
This morning, I started off in prayer asking God to use me as a vessel by which He loves my children. In other words, Father, please love my boys through me. Please pour Your perfect wisdom and strength into me as You train and discipline them through me. I am but a vessel in total dependence on Him. There is freedom in that- I no longer have to bear a burden that I was never meant to carry. My sole task is to seek after Him and allow Him to work in and through me. It also frees me from attaching my value or worth to the accomplishments of my children- whether good or bad. Our children have their own choice. Sometimes their decisions will bring great joy to us and other times, heartache. Regardless, we cannot attach our value or self-worth to raising perfect kids. Instead, our value has to rest in Him and being the most pure, open vessel by which He is allowed to love, train, and nurture them.
Friends, I can never love, correct or discipline my children into perfection. If they succeed in life, it will be because of the Father's grace pouring in and through them- not my perfect parenting. When they fail, it is a result of their independent choices and I can only pray that they will learn and grow from the experience. Let's be honest, life for all of us is a mix of the two extremes, isn't it? Mountain tops and valleys are all a part of life, but when we live in total dependence on Him, all of it can be used for His glory in our lives.
So, today, I am resting in Him and trusting that His perfect love will carry us all through the different seasons of life- He is sufficient when I am not.
Questions:
Are you trying to live life in your own effort or total dependence on Him?
Is your self-worth tied to the success or failures of your children?
Do you trust Him enough to work out all challenges and situations for His glory and for your benefit?
Blessings!
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