Last night, we were at Walmart as a family looking at televisions. I think we may, in fact, be the last family in the US that still uses the big, box televisions. So, in an attempt at convincing my awesome Man that we might need a new one, we did some window shopping- which Reagan says is the safest of the shopping experiences. At one point, he came around the corner with Carson as I stood there with Caleb and the full realization that neither of us had Kendall hit us. In a controlled panic, I called out his name to have him pop out from behind a bin holding DVDs. Relief, love, and thankfulness flooded me. His first response was, "I thought you done left me." Really Kendall? You really thought we would leave you at Walmart? Not a chance, but I am sure in his toddler panic of searching for his family, that seemed reasonable to him. Not to me- I could never leave him. The joy and delight that he has added to our family is beyond measurement and the thought of not having him in my world daily is heartbreaking.
To be brutally honest, I have felt a lot like Kendall over the past few weeks..... except I wondered if God had left me. Not truly- I know God is always with us.... logically, but sometimes in those weak moments of hard days I question. Now, what I question is not His faithfulness or character that is ever present in our struggles, but I think I questioned His timing or purpose for me. A few months ago, I felt God leading our family- me- down a different journey. I didn't know what the outcome would look like, but I knew that the calling was real. We obeyed and I started down a new journey. I don't know what I expected, but it seemed like the first few weeks were not what I had envisioned. I began to struggle. It seemed that while I continued to write and share what God laid on my heart, the words didn't come as easy and life became very full and busy. The thing was, it was full of the mundane and normal busy-ness. Nothing seemed like what I expected. I think the evil one convinced me- even if I didn't want to speak it out loud- that God given up on using me for the purpose He had planned.
Over the past two weeks, I found myself going through the motions, but missing out on the intimacy with the Father that I longed for. I believe God is preparing me for the next step in the journey and this time of questioning has been to prepare my heart and shape my view into His perspective. I have needed to search in the silence to realize what I really, desperately want is Him. I also believe that He is calling me to return back to the writing style that is most natural to me- relaying the spiritual insights He gives through my life events. I may continue on the study of Moses, but it will be in conjunction with the life lessons He teaches me. I still don't know all the curves ahead, but I have come to realize that I must stop comparing my journey in this life to that of others. It is unique and will not always look like what everyone else is doing.... and, that is okay. In fact, it should be the joy of every believer to realize that our Father loves us so much that our journeys and walks in life are uniquely our own- tailor made to grow and shape us more in His likeness. What a privilege to walk my journey with Him!
Thank you for the prayers, words of encouragement and support. I am so glad that we are able to walk our journeys together. You are precious to me!
Blessings
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