However, in the past Mother's Day was hard for me. As a single woman, it was just another reminder that I was still not married. As a young wife, it was a reminder that I was still not a mother- which I wanted so very much. As a young mother, I often struggled if the day didn't live up to the Hallmark commercial standards. I think some of you can relate..... Perhaps your dreams of being married, having children or having a picture perfect celebration have just fallen short. The deep hurt and longing to hold a child of your own- for many women- is a pain that tears at our very fiber and being. As women, God so designed us to carry and nurture children and to not be able to fulfill that design makes us question our value and validity.
After having Caleb, we felt God's leading to adopt, and so began the process. Several months, sleepless nights and tears in, we still did not have all the needed finances. I SO desperately wanted to be a mother again, but I also wanted to be obedient to God's calling. Finally, God brought me to a point of helplessness when I realized I couldn't make an adoption happen anymore than I could make a pregnancy happen. I knew if God really meant for us to adopt, then He would prevent any pregnancies in order for us to fulfill what He had for us- yet, the adoption had reached a dead in as well.... so, I reached a point of letting go. Letting go of my plans, dreams, and expectations- we just trusted God to create our family however He chose. Three months later, Carson was on his way and I have to trust that God still had a plan for that part of our journey with Him.
I share this because I know the deep longing for child and how painful Mother's Day can be for those in a similar situation. I have also been so looking forward to Mother's Day and so disappointed when things just didn't turn out like I had expected. I teasingly said yesterday, "Mother's Day just isn't complete without someone getting a spanking." Let's be honest, Hallmark type commercials are not real life! Sometimes, your loved ones forget, your kids are fussy and disappointments prevail.
This weekend could have been one of those weekends for me. Reagan and I had plans to go to a homeschool bookfair this weekend- which I always enjoy- and my parents had agreed to keep the boys. It looked like we were going to go on a couple of date nights while they were visiting in Dublin. I was very excited! We had a great evening Friday shopping for my mother's day gift and I awoke with great excitement and anticipation on Saturday. Alas, things didn't go as planned, Reagan became so very sick around noon while at the homeschool bookfair and we had to leave shortly afterward. My evening consisted of tending to my sick husband, take-out, and a chick flick on television. On Sunday, I went to church alone, got my free carnation from church and met my parents for a wonderful meal in Granbury.
The crazy part in all this is that one prevailing emotion filled me...... contentment. It honestly shocked me how peaceful and happy I felt all weekend. Reagan kept apologizing for disappointing me after our weekend turned out so differently and I kept reassuring him that I was fine. Honestly, I have so much to be thankful for: a husband who dearly loves me, boys that still want to spend time with me, all our needs are met, and I have an incredible family that supports me. Sure, I wish things would have turned out a little differently, but I felt such peace and contentment that only comes from the Father. Through the Holy Spirit, we can have contentment in ALL circumstances, but we will never have enough will power or strength to make it happen on our own. We must reach the end of our self in order for Him to fill us with His peace, joy, and contentment.... so, when our world disappoints, fails us, or leaves us crushed that we lean on His unending supply. We just have to get to the point where we trust God so much that we are willing to let go of our dreams and let Him full our hands with Him- His will, His plans, His dreams for us and suddenly we can understand that contentment isn't having it all but being thankful for all.
I read this scripture today, "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are- no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." Matthew 5:5 MSG
Nothing on earth will last and we can't take it with us, and I would rather find peace in each day rather than grappling over what I think I need to fulfill me. Only God truly knows what I need and I have to choose, daily, His will and plans over mine. Let go of that heartache, my friend, and let God show you His plan for your life- there is never so much joy than when you release your self and immerse yourself in the Father. Let go and let God.....
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